The Game

After work today I decided to make a stop at a Starbucks that had recently opened up in the neighborhood. It was surprisingly small and the tables and chairs were all cramped in a crowded rhombus to the right of the counter.

I went up to the counter, looked over the menu for any drink that didn't cost $17 and ordered a 'Grande' (which somehow is medium) Iced Coffee. I don't drink caffeine normally so hopefully this won't give me some sort of nasty reaction.

I sat down at a table with my drink. To my left there was a guy on his cellphone. He looked younger than me, perhaps in college...early 20s. He yapped on and on, call after call. Every time he hung up his phone within 2 minutes he had started a new call ,presumably with someone new.

Oh yeah, the only other customers in the Starbucks were a mother and her young daughter who probably was 7 or 8. To my surprise she let her little kid order a caffeine-loaded Frappuchino. Letting a little girl that age drink that much caffeine can't be good.

Back to the cell phone guy. After about 20 minutes he finally hung up his phone for a brief period in which his friend walked in the door. His friend sat down next to him. I attempted to focus on what I was reading but I couldn't help overhear their conversation because they were talking quite loud and I was seated within 3 feet of them. Starbucks really should get a bigger seating area.

Now if I hadn't been paying close attention I would have thought these guys were talking about business, but they weren't. They were discussing women. And the cellphone guy was rambling on and on in terms I hadn't ever heard of before.

Now, I am admittedly, very analytical, especially about relationships, but I've never realized how ridiculous some of the things that I analyze sound when said in public.

This is an approximation of some of the things I overheard:

"Okay, so tonight I'm going to act as your DHB. I'm going to help you get past Tier 1 and move into Tier 2 of the Comfort Pyramid. Normally this transition takes 6-8 hours, but with my help I can accelerate the process. Let's agree now that we'll both only say good things about each other. We can make mocking jokes, but it must be clear that we're only trying to pump each other up. I'll work hard to present all your best aspects - it's like buying a car - you want to know if it has a nice interior, a powerful engine - except this time it's you. Once we've established your positive qualities we'll begin the devaluation phase on her. The goal is to make her feel inferior to you as to elevate your own standing above her."

Another excerpt:

"You know how sometimes you see a girl in a club and you feel nervous approaching her. Well this is known as 'Approach Anxiety' and it occurs because of three main factors: 1) Fear of rejection, 2) Fear of success, 3)..."

Now I don't know what DHB stands for and at this point I had to leave Starbucks because I couldn't take anymore of hearing this guy blather on. I seriously felt like these guys were conspiring to assassinate Caesar. It was an intricately timed plan, complete with Freudian psychological analyses and contingency plans. The whole thing just felt like a scam. Who knows, maybe it works wonders. Maybe discussing the subtleties of making intentional physical contact (like touching her hand while you speak) seem unintentional is really what it's all about.

Nevertheless I felt thoroughly disgusted after hearing this guy spit his game. I don't like the idea of having to trick women into being interested in you. I mean, hell, what's next, trapping them in a giant cardboard box baited with candy?


How to score hot babes.

Well anyway, this won't keep me from analyzing but it'll sure as hell make me not discuss this type of stuff in public. It makes you sound like a giant douche.