I Put the 'Super' in 'Superficial'

“I'm so ugly, that's ok
Cause so are you”
- Lithium by Nirvana

Has anyone ever called you ‘superficial’? If someone has, they probably meant it as an insult. Maybe they meant you were vain, shallow, and quick to judge the proverbial book by its cover. They were probably right too.

But, I say, ‘What’s the big deal?’ It’s human nature to make judgments based on the path of least resistance. For example, when you’re in the grocery store buying apples, do you stop to smell each apple, cut it up and taste it? Of course you don’t. You look at which apples look the best and buy those. When you’re at Blockbuster browsing the shelves do you stop to read the description of every DVD before you decide which ones to borrow? I doubt it – you probably see which ones have the catchiest covers. Likewise with people, especially people on a dating website, you try to make the quickest evaluation possible.

Dating websites aren’t just about pictures, right? You can write about who you are, your life goals and priorities, your hobbies, your favorite food, the five things you couldn’t live without and on and on ad naseum. That’s all good content that truthfully offers a glimpse into your person, but the reality is that all of that fluff is for naught unless you can pass through the first sieve of human perception.

Yes, it’s all about your picture.

When you’re browsing profiles the first thing your eye sees is that picture and without even making a conscious thought you’ve already evaluated it. The instant that image hits your brain you get a positive or a negative signal.

Positive – ‘Oh, he/she is cute. I want to find out more about them’
Negative – ‘Ugh. Hunchback of Notre Dame, next.’

It’s as easy as that. You don’t like what you see; you don’t spend another millisecond on it. I do it and I know you do too.

Now some of you might say, ‘Well you’re no Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, or even Dennis Kucinich – what gives you the right to judge people?’ And I’d say my ‘right’ to judge people isn’t really a right at all. It’s merely human nature and is completely unrelated to my own level of perceived attractiveness.

Before you start cursing me out for being such an arrogant jerk, let me qualify some of the things I’ve said. While I think it’s true that people will never give a second glance to someone they find unattractive, I do believe it’s possible for someone to become more attracted to someone after getting to know them better, even if there was no initial spark.

I’ve experienced this myself many times. I meet a girl who I have no attraction to whatsoever, but somehow after getting to know her as a friend over time, she magically becomes more attractive in my eyes! It can happen folks! But the key thing to note is that I got to know the initially unattractive girl by happenstance, not because I sought out her company.

This is what makes online dating different. There’s almost no chance you’ll spend enough time with someone from a dating website just by chance that you’ll eventually find them attractive. Instead, you’ll only get to know them better if you CHOOSE to and that all comes back to my original idea.

Looks are the first filter. If you don’t pass that test, nothing else matters.

If you’re good looking enough to warrant further investigation, that doesn’t guarantee you’re in. That’s when the second filter kicks in – personality.

If you’re someone who only cares about the looks and not about personality – then you’re truly superficial.

Maybe there are some saints out there who really don't care about looks. If you're one, speak up. I'd like to see if you really exist. I know I'm not one of them though.