A Enemy of the People

Early Sunday afternoon I finally fulfilled my promise to go find a library. Turns out there’s a small one called the Grinnell Library very close to my apartment complex. It’s a very interesting looking building and has a very homey feel to it.

It’s quite small and only has 2 floors. The 2^nd floor has a great room of sorts which really has the feel of a library or den you’d find in a mansion. It’s also weird how their books are catalogued by subject. For instance books about dinosaurs might all start with 675 while books about cooking start with 390. Anyway, I went in, applied and obtained a library card and checked out two books.

I got The Republic by Plato and a book of 4 plays by Ibsen. I had read A Doll’s House and Ghosts in high school and enjoyed them so I decided to read some more of his plays. I’m currently reading A Enemy of the People.

Based on the two Ibsen plays I’ve read his plays tend to not be really packed with action or violence, but they are exciting at a more cerebral level. He also has a knack for making dramatic, subtle, but powerful endings.

So I read through two acts of A Enemy of the People last night making it the first time in a good while that I’ve actually read something other than a magazine or website. It’s pretty interesting. Basically so far the plot centers around a family who lives in a town that has these baths (which are basically like therapeutic spas or natural springs). These baths are the source of the town’s livelihood and the main character Dr. so and so (don’t remember his name) actually works at the baths. The doctor’s brother is actually the mayor of the town and it appears the two kind of have a sibling rivalry going on. The doctor, although he is a doctor, doesn’t seem to command the type of respect you think he would. Instead, he’s overshadowed by his brother who besides being the mayor is also the police chief and serves on many boards. In one scene the brothers quibble over who should be awarded credit for coming up with the idea to build the baths that revived the economy of the town.

So the big news happens when the doctor receives a letter in the mail. He reveals it’s the results from a lab. It turns out the doctor has suspected the water in the baths is polluted and is actually making the clients sick. He lacked the equipment to verify this himself so he took samples and sent them off to be analyzed. The lab results allow him to conclude that his suspicions of poisoned water were correct! He happens to tell his family as well as several members of the local paper who are working with him to publish an article.

Of course he informs his brother of the news before deciding to publish the article. A huge conflict ensues. The brother realizes the impact that such an article would cause. He fears it will destroy the town as no one will ever come to the baths again after it’s deemed that the very water that is supposed to heal them is toxic. The doctor also states it’s necessary to completely reconstruct the town’s water system. The mayor points out this will cost “hundreds of thousands of crowns” (not sure how much a crown is) and will take several years. In the span of that time the town’s economy will die. And he brings up another fact that even if they manage to raise the capital and reconstruct the water system during this time rival towns will be sure to start their own baths and the market will be taken away from them. The mayor says the doctor’s tests could be inaccurate and he frankly doesn’t believe the validity of his claims. He also calls his brother “a enemy of society” and is furious that he’d consider unleashing such a claim that would destroy the very town he lives in (not to mention, put him out of a job).

The doctor is obviously quite conflicted. On one hand he feels a sense of duty as a citizen and a doctor to inform the public of the hazard but at the same time he knows what his brother says is probably true. Releasing this news would probably result in his unemployment and the economic collapse of the town. He also feels that the people who designed the faulty waterway should be held accountable so that the infallibility of the ruling class is degraded. The conflict is evident in his own family. His daughter Petra roots for the idealistic side to prevail while his wife weeps thinking about the fate of her family.

I’ll write more as I read more.

We all can't be beautiful

By now I'm pretty sure no one reads this blog since I removed the link to it from my AIM profile.

I was just thinking about all the people in the world and how some people believe everyone at their very core is good and beautiful. I think this is a load of crap. We all can't be beautiful.

The thing that made me think of this was my recent experiences with online dating. Here you have a medium for people to post a picture of themselves and write all sorts of great things about what they are and what they are looking for. Much like infomercials, these posts usually can do no wrong. Everyone is attractive, intelligent, easy-going, humorous, moral, blah blah blah...

It just really seems like EVERYONE IS AWESOME! Ha, of course there's a reason people are on this site...and I'm going to venture a guess that at least for women if you are even mildly attractive you should have no problem getting men to ask you out.

Of course most people wouldn't write about their defects on a dating site but still it makes me wonder...if you think about yourself, no matter who you are, do you think you are a good person?

I think I am good person. I think I'm awesome...that everyone should have me as a friend. The problem is, I'm pretty sure everyone else thinks the same exact way. Think of the most despicable person you know. Chances are Satan thinks he's pretty rad.

Of course everyone's opinion of themselves is extremely biased by self-esteem. But of course the opinions that others have of you is totally different. So when people write about themselves it makes everyone seem so nice and rosy.

It always comes back to this relative bullshit, but it's true. Beauty is relative. If everyone in the world was beautiful there'd be no such thing as beauty.

The world is what it is because there are ugly people too...like Dr. Phil. Man, that guy is ugly.

Vertical

I'm in basketball league right now and I play once a week if the weather is nice at the rec center after work.

I've thought about trying to increase my vertical jump for quite some time, but never did anything about it. I don't even know what kind of jump I have. I bet it's pretty weak...like 24 inches or something.

Anyway, I'm thinking of starting this pylometric exercise routine to get more hops. Maybe I could dunk? Haha....we'll see...first I need to get a baseline of what my vertical is.

A Terrible Feeling

Wow, I feel terrible. Why do I always do this? Don't worry, it's nothing THAT bad.

I just got back from basketball where we got schooled by a bunch of old folks...I feel ashamed however I do realize that the guys on my team aren't my age either. Chris is the youngest and I think he said he'll be 30 soon. The other guys probably go up to their 50s.

Anyway the thing I always stupidly do is eat a bunch of pasta before sports...and not leave enough time to digest it. Then when I hit the court I feel so sluggish. It's such an awful feeling...your brain is telling your legs to move but there's this lag time in response.

Also, I haven't been to the gym in a year and I think I've gotten a lot weaker. For some reason I thought I had this mythical power to maintain fitness by not exercising. I think I'll have to join a gym.

Next time I have a basketball game I'm going to just eat a energy bar or something and drink some Gatorade. Running around feeling full and slow sucks.

Also, I need to warm up a bit before the game starts. I'm not a great shooter to begin with and I'm even worse coming in cold.


My last two excuses for my bad feeling: my shoes - I feel like I'm ice skating out there. They appear to have tread left but I've worn them on outdoor courts for a long time. I think I'm gonna get a new pair.

Last excuse...my feet. From going from zero playing to a lot I got these 2 symmetric silver dollar sized blisters on the part of my soles. They hurt like a bitch just to walk around, a stinging feeling.

Anyway, I hate losing and I need to get in shape.

Random

Has anyone ever noticed that diet soda "tastes" colder or seems to stay colder longer?

Anyone have a scientific explanation for it?

The road begins

Well, I think I'm ready. Thank you to all my family and friends for their advice and counsel. I love you all.

I really really appreciate it. Most of the time I like being the listener, the one to help with problems. Rarely do I have them myself, but it's good to know I have such a strong network to support me when I'm feeling weak.

I'm going to try to be strong and let time take effect. I'm also going to make a concerted effort to be more honest in my life. I shouldn't preach all these ideals and end up being a hypocrite.

*

Breathing feels so nice.

today

i don't feel as angry. i had a hard time sleeping last night for obvious reasons but today i feel a tad better. work keeps my mind occupied so i don't have time to think about things as much.

the feeling of anger is subsiding and now it's more of a feeling of shock. jealousy is there, but it's just as irrational as me getting jealous over things that happened in the past before me.

SHOCK is the word. Just shock over the suddenness, not with which it ended, but over the suddenness of her new beginning.

no doubt the foundations of it were laid more than 2 weeks ago, but i'm not saying this is evil or devious. after all, i think most people at least try to become friends (or act in a friendly manner) with someone before they date them. this can be done in a rather innocuous manner. perhaps the perception of this being evil is wrong on my part. after all, what is courtship but a game of trickery and deception?

i take that back. i don't feel as if i had to trick her at all. in fact i used the most un-smooth least deceptive approach possible. it took me hours upon hours to even get it out of me. a mumbling bumbling incoherent insult laced attempt... for some reason i thought it would be a good idea to try and weaken her defenses through pointing out her flaws. that seems like a totally weird approach now.

i suppose a more standard and effective approach is to make yourself available, be friendly, forthcoming with information and assistance and wisdom, little flirting here and there, giving attention...and then just waiting for your chance.

still though, after almost two years, it's hard to picture her with someone other than me. that thought still burns me.

***

i've come to realize though that nothing could really happen now to make me happy (about this situation). i don't want to get back together as i was for the breakup as much as she was. if her "relationship" with this new guy ends today it would make me slightly happy for the time being, but if her history of "rebounds", holds she'd be back with someone within a few weeks. the point is i guess that she'll go through many more guys after me so if my idea of being happy about the situation was that she'd be alone the rest of her life that's obviously a stupid idea.

i guess what it boils down to is that time is the only cure. after awhile it won't hurt as much. my shock is caused by the lack of time between the breakup and her new relationship. it all happened in less than 2 weeks. shock is a funny thing. when it comes to physical shock say you cut your arm off with a chainsaw, it serves to almost protect you. if you did have a lumberjacking accident you wouldn't even realize what had happened for a few instances. your body overloads itself such that you don't even feel it right away. but then after this initial shock wears out you realize "hey, my arm is gone." then you probably freak the hell out. but mental shock is the complete opposite...it hits you right in the face like a brick. the worst damage is done instantaneously, but it fades in time.

*

trying to make sense of it

Note: this is a long rambling probably incoherent writing. it is for me. if you read it it probably won't make much sense to you so don't bother if you are looking for entertainment. i am writing this to help me make sense of what happened. i'm trying to rationalize things so i don't feel so bad. i recommend you don't read this.




































what happened?

1. the distance had already reduced our relationship to IM and brief phone calls...just daily updates on what was happening, no real quality time. we were only seeing each other 1 weekend per month or less.
2. came to the realization that it wasn't going to get better, not ready to commit to moving closer, even if i did time is scarce...wouldn't necessarily be enough to keep us together...I AM NOT READY TO COMMIT to anyone right now in terms of moving
3. were effectively broken up, she had already thought about how it would be nice to date someone who could relate to her...a fellow medical student who i knew had romantic intentions on her since he first met her...better yet she could use his advice since he's a 2nd year student...it'll be convenient for her
4. we formally break up...WE ARE BROKEN UP NOW, sometime in the following week this guy realizes the opportunity and asks her to go to miami with him
5. while in miami she's probably in a vulnerable state and he takes advantage of it now and takes her out on dates
6. now they are in relationship, she has a history of rebounding, i think it's so she doesn't feel the void from the last relationship....who knows if it will last
7. now i feel jealous and she feels like she has to limit what i know, cutting me off on information about her life, pictures, etc

why do i feel so bad?
1. the shock of just seeing those words...that she is with someone else, it feels so soon.
2. the fact she lied directly about not being with this guy
3. i saw this coming very early on and suspected this guy had these intentions and she wasn't resisting them at all

why i shouldn't feel bad
1. WE BOTH AGREED MUTUALLY TO BREAK UP
2. SHE DIDN'T START DATING HIM UNTIL AFTER WE WERE DONE
3. PERHAPS THE REASON SHE STARTED DATING SO SOON WAS BECAUSE SHE WAS AFFECTED BY OUR BREAKUP AND DIDN'T WANT TO DEAL WITH THE PAIN
4. SHE TRIED TO HIDE IT FROM ME TO PREVENT ME FROM GETTING HURT BECAUSE SHE CARES ABOUT ME "as a person"

WE BOTH AGREED TO MUTUALLY BREAK UP.
SHE DIDN'T START DATING HIM UNTIL WE WERE DONE.

I have to accept the fact she's not mine anymore. For some reason it just irks me that this guy was there lurking in the background the whole time...like a predator waiting for his prey to weaken. It just seems so nefarious. And she fell for it, but I guess she wanted to fall for it.

I KEEP THINKING OF THE MOVIE UNFAITHFUL. It was on when we were on a trip together in Philly. Diane Lane plays this woman who is married to Richard Gere's character and has a son. Although she loves her husband she meets this French book merchant who is devious as well, knows how to seduce her and she falls for it. She has an affair with this guy and it ruins her family. Her husband is blinded with jealousy and rage and murders the Frenchman. Then he realizes the police are onto him. Although he reunites with his wife, their lives are ruined. The movie ends with them in the car in front of the police station where they ponder whether or not they should run away and start a new life or he should turn himself in.

I feel just like Richard Gere's character. I know it's not the same. I wasn't cheated on and I didn't kill anyone. But I feel like his character did.

I just feel like she was stolen from me, snatched away by the fox because I wasn't in the henhouse. Perhaps I'm being unfair, but this is the only perspective I know. We were together, then we weren't, and then in a blink of an eye this other guy had moved in to replace me. It was all planned too well.

It's the timing of it all that makes it hurt so much more.

***

Eventually I will meet someone new too. I just find it ironic that we go from being so intimate to now having to hide things from one another. I for one am not hiding anything. I have nothing to hide.

at the same time, i know if the things aren't hidden from me i'll look at them. i'll look at them even if it hurts me more. it's this irresistable urge to know even if the knowledge is bad rather than speculate. because when you speculate you always tend to think the worse case scenario. certainty of a bad thing is always better than uncertainty.

i guess this stuff happens all the time. men by nature are like this. a girl that is taken is all the more attractive. men are devious too always being extremely friendly and helpful doing innocent things but still planting the framework for their later advances. it just seems so evil to me right now. perhaps it's because i've never done this. i've never tried to move in on somebody's girlfriend. but i imagine for this predator this must be the thrill of the chase. starting slow and then closing in for the kill.

i shouldn't feel bad. we are done and she can do what she wants. nothing was stolen from me, she wasn't property and she is no longer my girl so she is free game. i would be much happier if i didn't know that this guy was always lurking in the background. a total stranger would make me feel much better. but i guess kudos to this guy, he played a good game...his strategy worked and he got what he wanted.

he's a veteran he knew how the first years would come in with relationships and how many of them were destined to fail and he'd be waiting right there to scoop them up. just seems so evil still. i can't really get over that. who knows, if i was in his situation perhaps i'd do the same thing. it just screams of fresh meat. same thing happens in college with seniors and freshmen. you just hope the prey isn't really prey and they know what's going on.

I JUST HOPE they see what's going on. IF they know what's going on and they saw it coming and are still okay with it then so be it. I just would feel bad if someone didn't see it coming and were tricked.

The reason i hope this is because i care about her obviously. any person i don't care for i don't care if they get seduced and date raped. that's their own problem. that may sound cruel, but it happens all the time. if i don't know them though how i can possibly care about them. i care about all the people i know with some level of compassion but i have a higher level for her. i just don't want her to be a victim or just some trophy in a game.

i want her to know what's going on and not to be deceived. i want her to be in control to have made a good decision. i know she's a smart girl and independent too but i fear that she's in a vulnerable state because of the breakup.

at least i feel vulnerable. maybe she isn't shaken up by this at all and is thinking rationally. if she made her decision rationally in a good state of mind then i am okay with it.

i realize now the reason i feel bad is that i fear that she's been snatched up by some evil being and doesn't even realize it. i just don't want her to get hurt by this person who i don't know. i've never met the guy so it's unfair of me to judge him but i know what men are like because i am one. there are far too many guys just after one thing. my worst fear is that he's one of them and once he gets it he'll move on.

i just don't want her to get hurt. i want her to be in control.

i guess after all it's not really jealousy. it's the fact i've lost control...i no longer have the knowledge or influence. she's on her own and i'm afraid she won't make a good decision.

i know it wasn't meant to be for me and her. we didn't form that partnership i described earlier. still though despite how she hurt me i will care for her as a person, but also more than that. i'm still possesive to an extent in that i want to see that's she's okay physically and emotionally. i used to be able to influence that directly and now i can't.

for some reason i just view her as being so helpless and weak now without me. but i know that can't be true. if i know she'll be okay then i'll be okay.

that's it for now.

Things I've Learned

I'm not very experienced when it comes to relationships. I've only ever had one girlfriend and that recently ended after close to 2 years.

I'm not at an age or maturity level where I feel pressure to get engaged or married, however it is something that I want to do in the future. One thing to note is that maturity level does not have a 1:1 correlation with age. I've noticed this in a lot of things. I've almost gotten in fights with 50-something men on the basketball courts who insist on name calling and racism. Likewise, some people feel ready to commit to marriage when they are still in high school. Still others may not get married until they are in their 40s. To each his/her own.

I'm at a relatively young age, but my relationship experience level might be a good 10 years behind me. For whatever reason I never felt a great desire to date. I can remember having crushes on girls in elementary school, but that never drove me to ask them out or even want anything to do with them. It was more of an aesthetic appreciation rather than a desire to get to know the person more. I guess this makes me a late bloomer.

I think I have made one realization though and that is certain qualities you want in a spouse. I think one critical quality is partnership. By this I mean the person you marry should be someone that you feel you can do anything in life with. This is the person that you'd want by your side when you were in the worst situation of your life or had no idea how you were going to accomplish a goal. Your spouse should be your "partner in crime". With them by your side you feel confident enough to take on any challenge in life. I think many people who have parents that are happily married (like my own) observe this quality. The mother and father complement each others strengths and weaknesses, they are able to keep each other calm and rational. They balance each other, but above all there is this unshakeable confidence that with these two people together there is nothing they can get through.

That is what you want in a best friend and a spouse.

Physical attraction is one thing, but it is ephemeral and often volatile. What you want is your matching half. If you can find someone who is your half this ensures you communicate well, obviously are compatible, and with that there has to be love.

Love is a tough thing to define, but if you have someone in your life who fits the description of the partner as I have written it, I'd bet you'd be hard pressed to say you don't love that person.

People don't change - don't forget that.

DISCLAIMER: This is going to be somewhat of a rant post so it's going to contain foul language. If you are offended by language, please stop reading now and go to here for some family friendly material.

***

Okay here we go...so people don't change is the theme of this writing. Sometimes in the course of getting to know someone you receive a piece of knowledge or make an observation on their character. This may be something that they tell you directly or it may be something you pick up just from spending time with them. Maybe it's something really minor, but all things have meaning. For instance, some people "borrow" money and then never return it. Even if it's $1 it's the principle that matters. Someone that doesn't return borrow money either has a bad or selective memory or is greedy and selfish. So some of you may say something like "Who cares, it's only $1, you're being stingy blah blah blah." The point is not how much was borrowed...the point is you made a commitment to return it and you didn't. Period. If I know someone who doesn't pay back borrowed money, I make a mental note to not lend them money and be very reluctant to let them borrow anything at all. It also makes me less trusting of that person.

People may call me extreme or idealistic, but whatever...I'd rather call it consistent. Here is another issue: honesty. Honesty with a capital H is absolute...it is simple to define in my book. When asked a direct yes or no question you give the response that reflects how you feel or what really happened. For instance, "Did you go to school today?" is a yes or no question. You either did or you didn't. There is no room for qualifiers or excuses.

Here's were it gets iffy. Some people think it's okay to flat out lie and be dishoneste IF they feel it is for a good reason. Often times people lie because they think by doing so they will prevent feelings from being hurt. A common lie is the one of Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. Many parents will perpetuate the lie rather than have their kid bawling because some fat man in a red suit doesn't break into their house once a year to steal their cookies.

However, we all find out eventually that there is no Santa Claus and so what? I don't remember crying when I found out. It didn't hurt. Frankly, spoiled little kids these days don't give a shit about Santa Claus all they want is THE TOYS! Whether Santa brought me my Legos or Mom and Dad did is irrelevant. All that matters is I have my fucking Legos!

Anyway, this is a small example. People lie all the time and feel fine with it because they are able to internally justify their lying. I think it's wrong to lie but I've done it too. I've been deceptive by not revealing all the information. However, I cannot think of an instance in which I've been asked a direct YES/NO question and lied about it.

Mark Twain once said "A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar."

Tru dat brotha.

I believe Twain also had a quote that basically said that in order to be a good liar you must have an extremely good memory. Most people don't and end up being caught in their web of lies. Then the shit hits the fan.

So which is worse: Would you rather be told the truth and have it hurt you? Or be lied to and never find out?

Most people would say, "Ignorance is bliss." And they are right because IF you never find something out, to you it never happened. So this is equivalent to asking "Would you rather have something bad happen to you or not have the bad thing happen to you."

Okay let's complicate this a bit. Same two choices as before, but what if there was third choice...you are lied to initially but you then find out you were lied to...through other means.

This is what is the most infuriating in my opinion. It is this way because the person says they had good intentions in concealing something from you, but at the same time they did such a half-assed job of hiding it that you found out! If you're going to do something DO IT RIGHT!

Since most people have poor memories and are incompetent at deception, the easy route is NOT TO LIE! In this day and age information is so free flowing that almost anyone can find out anything. Anyway, in this third case the person who tries to hide something is found out, and now the deceived party is mad as hell, because they would have rather found out directly...OR THE DECEIVER SHOULD HAVE DONE A BETTER JOB!

Carrying a lie on is a heavy burden, one that can last your whole life. Undoubtedly there are many people who manage to do this and carry the lie to their graves. Those people are truly the competent ones.

For those of us who can't do that either because of their mental capacity or morality, we are left with two options...just be honest or don't do things that you'll have to lie about.

***

As a human beings, when we are hurt or wronged we seek revenge. It is natural to want to inflict pain equal to what you are feeling. Also, when we reveal that we are hurt to those who hurt us, we want them to at least feel remorseful for hurting us. If they don't, that pisses us off. Some people are just cold-blooded like this. They simply don't care. They hurt people and shrug it off.

The problem is that I do care when I hurt people and even though I have natural human feelings to seek revenge I can't do it because then I'd feel guilty about it. Some people who behave like this tend to believe that a higher power or karma will get their revenge for them. Perhaps this liar will be sent to Hell and burn for all eternity. The thought of the liar getting punished by SOMEONE brings us comfort. Maybe Karma means the person will get run over by a bus or at least fall in some mud or something.

I think that's all bullshit though. People don't get what they deserve unless someone or something makes it so. You don't go to hell if you are bad. Karma does not exist. Bad things happen to you for definite reasons. And bad things can be made happen to you if people try to make them happen.

But for me, I would never take actions against someone because I wouldn't be able to deal with the guilt. That's just me though. The people who hurt me will go on living their lives happy as can be. Meanwhile I'll just keep taking my lumps.

You know it's a scary thing. Back in my high school years I felt dark and for awhile I was feeling slightly depressed and very cynical about people and life. I used to say "if I ever know I'm going to die, you better watch out...because I'm going out in a blaze of glory."

The funny thing is that I know I'm going to die...in fact we ALL know we will die one day. So what's to prevent us from doing this already? I guess it's the prospect of experiencing things that make life worthwhile or perhaps the fear of consequences toward those we care about. However, this strategy is a dumb one....going out in a blaze of glory is pointless. You might as well just jump off a cliff, you'll get the same adrenaline rush without the guilt of hurting others.

***

Why do we keep living? The answer is...to keep living. We are organisms like any other and we exist so that others after us may exist. I don't understand why people commit suicide. It's such a waste of organic material. I say...if you really reach a point in your life where you no longer want to live...donate your life to the service of humanity. Maybe we can use you to pilot a spacecraft into a incoming asteroid to save a continent. At least do something good with your life.

***

All this writing probably seems very preachy and I realize by now probably no one is reading, but whatever. This is writing for me, for my cathartic purposes. That's why I'm not worrying about spelling, grammar, or going back and editing. I am a person, a sinner, a liar. I have lied before and I'll probably lie again. However, I do have a conscience and I try not to lie. I try to be honest. It is something which is important to me FOR ME...not for anyone else.

I think people sometimes base their behavior on what others think too much. You should decide how you act for yourself. A simple thing is fidelity in relationships whether it be a boyfriend/girlfriend or marriage situation. You shouldn't have to be faithful to your partner because your partner wants you to...you should be faithful because you want to be.

Also, certain norms are there for logical reasons as well. In terms of faithfulness, you probably shouldn't sleep around because it's not healthy...it makes the spread of STDs easier. You won't be getting much action when you end up with more crabs than Red Lobster.

So the point is...DO STUFF FOR YOURSELF. Act the way you do because YOU WANT TO ACT THAT WAY...not because your parents or your friends want you to. Do things you are comfortable knowing that you did. This is the idea of a CONSCIENCE. It's your inner voice which is your moral compass.

***

Anyway, those who know me know why I launched on this huge rant. I don't feel like writing anymore for now.

Living in the real world & Trucker Tales

I have some problems with living in the real world.

This may surprise some of you who know me, but number 1 by far is keeping my apartment clean. In college I lived in a tiny room which contained tons of stuff but was a cinch to keep clean. The fact that I had so little space forced me to constantly maintain it so I never had to do huge all-day cleaning jobs except when I was moving out at the very end of the year. Now I've upgraded to an apartment, which isn't huge, but is at least 4 times bigger than the dorm rooms I used to live in.

My apartment has a kitchen, living room, separate dining room, bathroom, and bedroom. The bedroom is about twice the size of my old single dorm room. The problem with having all this space to myself is that I don't have to see messes all the time. If my bedroom is messy, I can just walk to the living room. The point is the mess doesn't impair my movement whereas in the dorm room, if I had some clothes on the floor I wouldn't be able to function.

So the cycle that happens is as follows...we start on the weekend, I usually attempt to clean my apartment which means picking up clothes, throwing away trash, doing dishes, cleaning the bathroom or vacuuming. It takes me the entire weekend to do this because I never do it continuously. I'm always shuttling back and forth between cleaning and the TV or the computer. So by the end of the weekend my apartment is clean...then I start the work week. When I come back from work I cook and I usually end up with way too many dirty pots/pans/utensils. After I eat I don't feel like doing the dishes so I let them sit. Then the next day when I need to cook, I add to the pile. It gets worse and worse because I run out of utensils and then if I get really lazy I just eat out. This may happen the entire work week and thus the cycle returns.

The impact of this cycle isn't just felt in what I eat...it impacts what I do on weekends too. So once it's the weekend I realize this is the time I have to clean...so when someone proposes going out or doing something social I feel reluctant because I have such a messy apartment. Also, it prevents me from having people over. It's a terrible cycle and I'm so aware of it, yet I can't seem to stop it.

I am really lacking in self-discipline when it comes to this.

Sorry if this post is disjointed I'm playing Literati as I write this. I'm talking to my opponent who has an interesting story. Since I don't know him it could all be made up, but as far as I care it's real. After all, he has nothing to gain from making this up.

So this is his story:
He graduated from Virginia Tech with a degree in Electrical Engineering. For those who don't know VT is a good engineering school and a degree in EE should easily lead to a job with moderately big bucks. Anyway, he says he worked in construction doing residential wiring (this part kinda makes me suspicious because I don't know if EEs would be employed doing such menial things. I'm not sure if residential wiring is menial, but it sounds like it is to me.)

But he doesn't like the work, so he becomes a truck driver where he has no boss essentially. So being a truck driver you are out on the road for long periods of time, he claims he's gone 2/4 weeks each month. So one day he comes home to a "Dear John" letter and his wife has left him for another man. Worse yet, she's pregnant with this other guy's child. AND...the son the trucker had with his now ex-wife was taken by her as well due to the fact that he's on the road all the time!

So basically this guy lost his wife and his son...all thanks to his ex-wife. It's a tragic story.

He told me this saying of truckers "The road never lets ya' forget." It must be hard to have to think about all this stuff when you're sitting alone in the cab of a truck for weeks on end with nothing to comfort you but the miles rolling by.

Anyway, that's a sad story even if it's not true.

Travel

I don’t really like to travel. I mean long distances especially. Travel is tiring, it requires planning, and from the physics side of things, requires energy (work) to move your body relative to the ground it stands on.

However, I was wondering how far I’ve traveled in my life. I don’t mean how many trips I’ve been on to what countries (I’ve been in the US including Hawaii, Canada, Taiwan, Japan (airport only) and France). I mean every single step I have taken or been transported on via car, bus, train, plane, boat, etc from the moment I was born until now.

Imagine if you were born with a GPS transmitter embedded in your body and as soon as you moved your first foot…it was recorded. Now imagine if you could look at a 3D visualization of the world and see your movement plotted chronologically. I think that would be pretty awesome. If you zoomed out you’d see all those flights you took to other countries, or zoom in and you can see the time you walked from your room to the kitchen. It would be an interesting way of viewing history. You would know where you were and when. This would probably be enough to evoke memories of what you were doing!

There could be negative effects though…”Big Brother” anyone?

Fingernails and frozen noses

Ever notice how after you expose your hands to water for a period of time (shower, washing dishes) your nails seem to be longer? I always notice this. The only explanation I can think of is that the tips of your fingers somehow shrink temporarily and thus your nails appear to extend farther.

Also, you know it's cold outside when you step foot out the door and you can feel the inside of your nose freeze.

Color schemes

I created this beautiful color scheme myself. I think I was inspired by leather, peanut butter, or poo. Anyway, at first I used the black and white one but that was too depressing and too emo. I didn't want anything too bright or eye irritating. This is a nice organic and earthy tone. It's comforting.

An incomplete post about infomercials

I’ve always liked watching “infomercials”. You know, those ½ hour long TV segments where a very enthusiastic spokesman/woman expounds the merits of the latest blender or rotisserie oven.

It’s not so much that I want the products they are selling or even need them, but the entire atmosphere created within these infomercial worlds is so perfect. All your concerns or doubts are addressed and the product can do no wrong. And just when you are asking “How much is this amazing item?” they give you not only one…but TWO for this great price.

Most of these products offer speed…like the Magic Bullet blender. They show you how you can make dozens of meals in minutes. The funny part is that all the meals are kind of similar. They all involve taking a bunch of raw ingredients and chopping them into smaller pieces and then cooking them. However, cooking at the most simple level is just that. Take some materials…combine them with other materials…then add some energy in the form of heat until chemical reactions occur and you are left with delciousness.

Another funny infomercial was the ones that Ronco would put on. He would usually be selling some sort of oven but he’d also throw in a plug for his spray-on hair, demonstrating the product on his own head. The camera would zoom in on his bald spot and he’d proceed to essentially spray paint his own head.

Infomercials are a paradigm of good rhetoric. They hit you at all levels (ethos, pathos, logos) and pretty much appeal to everyone. They always include in the audience males and females of all races and ages. They portray the product in such a way that ANYONE can use it. I also enjoy how they often times build a cynical character into the infomercial. This grumpy character is an avatar for every wary viewer. He asks all those tough (but scripted) questions that you may have and is ultimately convinced.

Despite how much I like infomercials, I have never bought anything as a result of watching one. I guess I’ve been ingrained with the impression that you just don’t buy something over the phone. It has an inherent risk (despite the fact that most products come with 30 day money-back guarantees) because you can’t actually see the product and test it out. The odd thing is that I feel much more comfortable buying things online, where I get probably less information about the product and no guarantee that I’ll even receive it when it’s shipped.

I think the reason is because infomercials are designed to be so convincing, they cause me to view them with a tinge of doubt as a defensive mechanism.