today

i don't feel as angry. i had a hard time sleeping last night for obvious reasons but today i feel a tad better. work keeps my mind occupied so i don't have time to think about things as much.

the feeling of anger is subsiding and now it's more of a feeling of shock. jealousy is there, but it's just as irrational as me getting jealous over things that happened in the past before me.

SHOCK is the word. Just shock over the suddenness, not with which it ended, but over the suddenness of her new beginning.

no doubt the foundations of it were laid more than 2 weeks ago, but i'm not saying this is evil or devious. after all, i think most people at least try to become friends (or act in a friendly manner) with someone before they date them. this can be done in a rather innocuous manner. perhaps the perception of this being evil is wrong on my part. after all, what is courtship but a game of trickery and deception?

i take that back. i don't feel as if i had to trick her at all. in fact i used the most un-smooth least deceptive approach possible. it took me hours upon hours to even get it out of me. a mumbling bumbling incoherent insult laced attempt... for some reason i thought it would be a good idea to try and weaken her defenses through pointing out her flaws. that seems like a totally weird approach now.

i suppose a more standard and effective approach is to make yourself available, be friendly, forthcoming with information and assistance and wisdom, little flirting here and there, giving attention...and then just waiting for your chance.

still though, after almost two years, it's hard to picture her with someone other than me. that thought still burns me.

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i've come to realize though that nothing could really happen now to make me happy (about this situation). i don't want to get back together as i was for the breakup as much as she was. if her "relationship" with this new guy ends today it would make me slightly happy for the time being, but if her history of "rebounds", holds she'd be back with someone within a few weeks. the point is i guess that she'll go through many more guys after me so if my idea of being happy about the situation was that she'd be alone the rest of her life that's obviously a stupid idea.

i guess what it boils down to is that time is the only cure. after awhile it won't hurt as much. my shock is caused by the lack of time between the breakup and her new relationship. it all happened in less than 2 weeks. shock is a funny thing. when it comes to physical shock say you cut your arm off with a chainsaw, it serves to almost protect you. if you did have a lumberjacking accident you wouldn't even realize what had happened for a few instances. your body overloads itself such that you don't even feel it right away. but then after this initial shock wears out you realize "hey, my arm is gone." then you probably freak the hell out. but mental shock is the complete opposite...it hits you right in the face like a brick. the worst damage is done instantaneously, but it fades in time.

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