There's no end to the week

When you're working a regular full-time job there's a pretty clear delineation between the workweek and the weekend. For the most part, when I was working (at the bowling alley) I went to work M-F and then did nothing related to work Saturday and Sunday. The total change of pace for 2 days a week was refreshing.

Oddly enough, being a student again has made that line blur. Although I only have class M-F I don't find my weekends being nearly as relaxed as before. Obviously, I have school-related things to do now which take up most of my time.

It's sad to say, but I feel like the only real difference (and obvious one at that) is that on weekends I don't have class. I guess I also have less social contact with people.

I've come to realize that in life, there are always those who are working...all the time. If you plan on competing with them you have to keep up the pace, but the problem is that the race is never-ending. So you either gotta be in it for the long haul, or just accept the fact that you'll fall behind.

I don't like either alternative. I definitely don't have the type of endurance some of my colleagues have that can just stare at the same book for 20 hours a day. At the same time, their zeal has rubbed off on me...I feel in a mostly negative way that I feel guilty if I'm being unproductive. Part of it is due to my education, I'm sure...you know, all about efficiency to keep the lanes running optimally.

On the other hand it seems crazy to think that you've gotta be running your entire life. There are so many cliches about this 'when you're sleeping...your competitor is working' and the like.

I'm not working toward some great truth here, it's just a simple realization of the futility or endless pursuit we have to choose. Of course you can go with moderation, but that's really just giving up on the chase.

Another topic that I seem to be coming back to more and more...alcohol.

I think just once I'd like to experience alcohol as everyone else does - I want to feel it's uninhibiting effects and just fly off the handle and be irresponsible for a night. It must be really great considering the number of times I've seen/heard someone puking their guts out while saying something like 'I'm never going to drink again!' and then 8 hours later see him heading to the bar.

It's gotta be fantastic and I honestly feel like I'm missing a large part of my existence. You know, sorta like when people say they feel a void in their lives...and then they found Jesus.

De-socialization

There's a party tonight that's literally 30 seconds away from me...walking. I considered going, but I feel tired and lazy. I want to go bed, but a part of me feels guilty for not socializing.

I guess I haven't turned into a complete hermit yet because I have some tinge of guilt. It's a bit depressing and at the same time, comforting that I've accepted this change. Socializing takes energy, but gives you energy.

It got colder too. It's amazing how much that affects people.

Again, whining about alcohol...

I enjoy the taste of beer but the effect it has on me is so unpleasant and embarrassing. I can only imagine what it'd be like to crave alcohol. Crave the taste and the way it makes you feel. I'd like to know what it feels like to be driven by this one substance such that its presence justifies any event. Go there to drink.

As for me, alcohol has no draw. If I go to a party it'll be to socialize/talk to new people. I guess that's what parties are supposed to be for, right?

All the same, I wish I could just be drawn to the streetlamp like a moth.

Definitely wishing for some self-control now

Feeling majorly roid-raged right now. I don't use roids, but people might think I do by the way I acted today.

Why do I get so fired up over sports? Why can't I just be like other people and not give a shit if I suck or lose or perform poorly?

It seems like this is the only thing I get fired up about in life.

Why should we get fired up about anything in life really? Should we just be level-headed and never get emotional about anything?

I always say I'd rather take the ups and downs because it makes life more interesting...but the downs definitely suck....it seems like my downs are much deeper than my ups are high.

Do you wish you had total control?

Do you wish you had total control of yourself? I don't mean the ability to control external factors such as the weather or how other people act. I mean the kind of discipline so extreme that you could gain total control over your feelings...sounds kinda like reaching a state of Nirvana where you have no desire.

Any time you felt sad or mad or unpleasant...you could just tell yourself 'stop' and you would stop feeling that way.

You could make yourself happy simply by wishing it so.

You could focus and do exactly what you had to do at the time and just as quickly move onto the next task.

The more I think about it, the more robotic this sounds. Yet, robots are far more efficient than people. I guess these are reasons why.

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I've come to realize in a day there are only so many hours - 24. Then there are only so many hours you are awake - for most people this is probably 16 hours. Then there's only so many hours that are functional, meaning that you can actually devote them to doing productive things. You have to leave time to eat, clean, use the bathroom, etc. Then to shrink that down there are only so many hours where you have the motivation and energy to do what you need to do. After thinning the herd so many times the number of 'true productive hours' is small.

Productive hours = time where you are capable (have the energy and motivation) to be productive

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I play the piano. I'm not fantastic at it, but I've played long enough that given enough time, I can master most pieces, even ones that are considered pretty difficult. The problem is that we only have limited time. So while I can master a Debussy piece given several months, that's the problem - it takes several months!

I think, in general, people are capable of accomplishing the same things...it's just a matter of RATE! Rate is what makes things feasible. Rate is what makes people not try things at all. I'm probably capable of knitting a sweater, but the fact that I think it'd take me a year to do it is a big enough deterrent to prevent me from ever trying.

So effectively it makes it impossible.

I realize that in reality, people do have innate limitations - be it physically, emotionally, or mentally. Some people, even if they had infinite time, will just not be capable of certain things. I could never give birth to a baby, no matter how long I tried. Maybe some people can't learn Chinese, even if they spent 400 years trying.

Rate is a matter of practicality. I think the Law School Admissions Test, to a certain degree, is something that many people should be able to perform very well on. I know that's a bit of a misstatement because the test is curved so the average score is 150 (scores range from 120-180) but my personal feeling was that if I had unlimited time (or at least a few more hours) I could have gotten close to a perfect score.

Now that I'm in law school I haven't been completely stumped by anything I've come upon. It's not a matter of difficulty, rather it's a matter of volume. "Drinking through a firehose." I feel like I can process all the information - just not at the rate it comes in.

I think RATE is a key component of what we call INTELLIGENCE. People who can process or learn at a faster RATE are more INTELLIGENT.

What do you think?