A Terrible Feeling

Wow, I feel terrible. Why do I always do this? Don't worry, it's nothing THAT bad.

I just got back from basketball where we got schooled by a bunch of old folks...I feel ashamed however I do realize that the guys on my team aren't my age either. Chris is the youngest and I think he said he'll be 30 soon. The other guys probably go up to their 50s.

Anyway the thing I always stupidly do is eat a bunch of pasta before sports...and not leave enough time to digest it. Then when I hit the court I feel so sluggish. It's such an awful feeling...your brain is telling your legs to move but there's this lag time in response.

Also, I haven't been to the gym in a year and I think I've gotten a lot weaker. For some reason I thought I had this mythical power to maintain fitness by not exercising. I think I'll have to join a gym.

Next time I have a basketball game I'm going to just eat a energy bar or something and drink some Gatorade. Running around feeling full and slow sucks.

Also, I need to warm up a bit before the game starts. I'm not a great shooter to begin with and I'm even worse coming in cold.


My last two excuses for my bad feeling: my shoes - I feel like I'm ice skating out there. They appear to have tread left but I've worn them on outdoor courts for a long time. I think I'm gonna get a new pair.

Last excuse...my feet. From going from zero playing to a lot I got these 2 symmetric silver dollar sized blisters on the part of my soles. They hurt like a bitch just to walk around, a stinging feeling.

Anyway, I hate losing and I need to get in shape.

Random

Has anyone ever noticed that diet soda "tastes" colder or seems to stay colder longer?

Anyone have a scientific explanation for it?

The road begins

Well, I think I'm ready. Thank you to all my family and friends for their advice and counsel. I love you all.

I really really appreciate it. Most of the time I like being the listener, the one to help with problems. Rarely do I have them myself, but it's good to know I have such a strong network to support me when I'm feeling weak.

I'm going to try to be strong and let time take effect. I'm also going to make a concerted effort to be more honest in my life. I shouldn't preach all these ideals and end up being a hypocrite.

*

Breathing feels so nice.

today

i don't feel as angry. i had a hard time sleeping last night for obvious reasons but today i feel a tad better. work keeps my mind occupied so i don't have time to think about things as much.

the feeling of anger is subsiding and now it's more of a feeling of shock. jealousy is there, but it's just as irrational as me getting jealous over things that happened in the past before me.

SHOCK is the word. Just shock over the suddenness, not with which it ended, but over the suddenness of her new beginning.

no doubt the foundations of it were laid more than 2 weeks ago, but i'm not saying this is evil or devious. after all, i think most people at least try to become friends (or act in a friendly manner) with someone before they date them. this can be done in a rather innocuous manner. perhaps the perception of this being evil is wrong on my part. after all, what is courtship but a game of trickery and deception?

i take that back. i don't feel as if i had to trick her at all. in fact i used the most un-smooth least deceptive approach possible. it took me hours upon hours to even get it out of me. a mumbling bumbling incoherent insult laced attempt... for some reason i thought it would be a good idea to try and weaken her defenses through pointing out her flaws. that seems like a totally weird approach now.

i suppose a more standard and effective approach is to make yourself available, be friendly, forthcoming with information and assistance and wisdom, little flirting here and there, giving attention...and then just waiting for your chance.

still though, after almost two years, it's hard to picture her with someone other than me. that thought still burns me.

***

i've come to realize though that nothing could really happen now to make me happy (about this situation). i don't want to get back together as i was for the breakup as much as she was. if her "relationship" with this new guy ends today it would make me slightly happy for the time being, but if her history of "rebounds", holds she'd be back with someone within a few weeks. the point is i guess that she'll go through many more guys after me so if my idea of being happy about the situation was that she'd be alone the rest of her life that's obviously a stupid idea.

i guess what it boils down to is that time is the only cure. after awhile it won't hurt as much. my shock is caused by the lack of time between the breakup and her new relationship. it all happened in less than 2 weeks. shock is a funny thing. when it comes to physical shock say you cut your arm off with a chainsaw, it serves to almost protect you. if you did have a lumberjacking accident you wouldn't even realize what had happened for a few instances. your body overloads itself such that you don't even feel it right away. but then after this initial shock wears out you realize "hey, my arm is gone." then you probably freak the hell out. but mental shock is the complete opposite...it hits you right in the face like a brick. the worst damage is done instantaneously, but it fades in time.

*

trying to make sense of it

Note: this is a long rambling probably incoherent writing. it is for me. if you read it it probably won't make much sense to you so don't bother if you are looking for entertainment. i am writing this to help me make sense of what happened. i'm trying to rationalize things so i don't feel so bad. i recommend you don't read this.




































what happened?

1. the distance had already reduced our relationship to IM and brief phone calls...just daily updates on what was happening, no real quality time. we were only seeing each other 1 weekend per month or less.
2. came to the realization that it wasn't going to get better, not ready to commit to moving closer, even if i did time is scarce...wouldn't necessarily be enough to keep us together...I AM NOT READY TO COMMIT to anyone right now in terms of moving
3. were effectively broken up, she had already thought about how it would be nice to date someone who could relate to her...a fellow medical student who i knew had romantic intentions on her since he first met her...better yet she could use his advice since he's a 2nd year student...it'll be convenient for her
4. we formally break up...WE ARE BROKEN UP NOW, sometime in the following week this guy realizes the opportunity and asks her to go to miami with him
5. while in miami she's probably in a vulnerable state and he takes advantage of it now and takes her out on dates
6. now they are in relationship, she has a history of rebounding, i think it's so she doesn't feel the void from the last relationship....who knows if it will last
7. now i feel jealous and she feels like she has to limit what i know, cutting me off on information about her life, pictures, etc

why do i feel so bad?
1. the shock of just seeing those words...that she is with someone else, it feels so soon.
2. the fact she lied directly about not being with this guy
3. i saw this coming very early on and suspected this guy had these intentions and she wasn't resisting them at all

why i shouldn't feel bad
1. WE BOTH AGREED MUTUALLY TO BREAK UP
2. SHE DIDN'T START DATING HIM UNTIL AFTER WE WERE DONE
3. PERHAPS THE REASON SHE STARTED DATING SO SOON WAS BECAUSE SHE WAS AFFECTED BY OUR BREAKUP AND DIDN'T WANT TO DEAL WITH THE PAIN
4. SHE TRIED TO HIDE IT FROM ME TO PREVENT ME FROM GETTING HURT BECAUSE SHE CARES ABOUT ME "as a person"

WE BOTH AGREED TO MUTUALLY BREAK UP.
SHE DIDN'T START DATING HIM UNTIL WE WERE DONE.

I have to accept the fact she's not mine anymore. For some reason it just irks me that this guy was there lurking in the background the whole time...like a predator waiting for his prey to weaken. It just seems so nefarious. And she fell for it, but I guess she wanted to fall for it.

I KEEP THINKING OF THE MOVIE UNFAITHFUL. It was on when we were on a trip together in Philly. Diane Lane plays this woman who is married to Richard Gere's character and has a son. Although she loves her husband she meets this French book merchant who is devious as well, knows how to seduce her and she falls for it. She has an affair with this guy and it ruins her family. Her husband is blinded with jealousy and rage and murders the Frenchman. Then he realizes the police are onto him. Although he reunites with his wife, their lives are ruined. The movie ends with them in the car in front of the police station where they ponder whether or not they should run away and start a new life or he should turn himself in.

I feel just like Richard Gere's character. I know it's not the same. I wasn't cheated on and I didn't kill anyone. But I feel like his character did.

I just feel like she was stolen from me, snatched away by the fox because I wasn't in the henhouse. Perhaps I'm being unfair, but this is the only perspective I know. We were together, then we weren't, and then in a blink of an eye this other guy had moved in to replace me. It was all planned too well.

It's the timing of it all that makes it hurt so much more.

***

Eventually I will meet someone new too. I just find it ironic that we go from being so intimate to now having to hide things from one another. I for one am not hiding anything. I have nothing to hide.

at the same time, i know if the things aren't hidden from me i'll look at them. i'll look at them even if it hurts me more. it's this irresistable urge to know even if the knowledge is bad rather than speculate. because when you speculate you always tend to think the worse case scenario. certainty of a bad thing is always better than uncertainty.

i guess this stuff happens all the time. men by nature are like this. a girl that is taken is all the more attractive. men are devious too always being extremely friendly and helpful doing innocent things but still planting the framework for their later advances. it just seems so evil to me right now. perhaps it's because i've never done this. i've never tried to move in on somebody's girlfriend. but i imagine for this predator this must be the thrill of the chase. starting slow and then closing in for the kill.

i shouldn't feel bad. we are done and she can do what she wants. nothing was stolen from me, she wasn't property and she is no longer my girl so she is free game. i would be much happier if i didn't know that this guy was always lurking in the background. a total stranger would make me feel much better. but i guess kudos to this guy, he played a good game...his strategy worked and he got what he wanted.

he's a veteran he knew how the first years would come in with relationships and how many of them were destined to fail and he'd be waiting right there to scoop them up. just seems so evil still. i can't really get over that. who knows, if i was in his situation perhaps i'd do the same thing. it just screams of fresh meat. same thing happens in college with seniors and freshmen. you just hope the prey isn't really prey and they know what's going on.

I JUST HOPE they see what's going on. IF they know what's going on and they saw it coming and are still okay with it then so be it. I just would feel bad if someone didn't see it coming and were tricked.

The reason i hope this is because i care about her obviously. any person i don't care for i don't care if they get seduced and date raped. that's their own problem. that may sound cruel, but it happens all the time. if i don't know them though how i can possibly care about them. i care about all the people i know with some level of compassion but i have a higher level for her. i just don't want her to be a victim or just some trophy in a game.

i want her to know what's going on and not to be deceived. i want her to be in control to have made a good decision. i know she's a smart girl and independent too but i fear that she's in a vulnerable state because of the breakup.

at least i feel vulnerable. maybe she isn't shaken up by this at all and is thinking rationally. if she made her decision rationally in a good state of mind then i am okay with it.

i realize now the reason i feel bad is that i fear that she's been snatched up by some evil being and doesn't even realize it. i just don't want her to get hurt by this person who i don't know. i've never met the guy so it's unfair of me to judge him but i know what men are like because i am one. there are far too many guys just after one thing. my worst fear is that he's one of them and once he gets it he'll move on.

i just don't want her to get hurt. i want her to be in control.

i guess after all it's not really jealousy. it's the fact i've lost control...i no longer have the knowledge or influence. she's on her own and i'm afraid she won't make a good decision.

i know it wasn't meant to be for me and her. we didn't form that partnership i described earlier. still though despite how she hurt me i will care for her as a person, but also more than that. i'm still possesive to an extent in that i want to see that's she's okay physically and emotionally. i used to be able to influence that directly and now i can't.

for some reason i just view her as being so helpless and weak now without me. but i know that can't be true. if i know she'll be okay then i'll be okay.

that's it for now.