the lugnuts are coming loose

my tolerance for humanity (including my own) decreases

are the wheels gonna come off before the road runs out?

i feel like i don't exist

when i'm wading through the crowd i feel like i could just walk through people

i look at the crowd, look at certain people but i feel like they can't see me.

i feel aloof as if i'm floating above it all, just being a silent observer

random

i keep biting my lip by accident while chewing gum

i started wearing a watch in hopes of managing my time better
i realize i'm inefficient because i multitask so much...every transaction wastes valuable time

principle of aggregation...all those lost seconds, add up into minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, etc


i'm 50 pounds heavier than when i was in 10th grade, but i may be no stronger

not sure what it is but my typing abilities have gone to shit. theory: switching between typing on a laptop keyboard and a regular keyboard are to blame

i seem to be caught in the same loop of social deprivation i was in before i came back to school; it's just happening in a more socially-conducive environment now

i sweat so easily. it takes so little exertion for me to sweat.

i have horrible handwriting

i want control over my mind and body. i don't see myself as a body...rather i view myself more as a consciousness that is directing my body like a machine. i feel my strength of will should be able to overcome limitations my body may impose on me through feedback known as pain or fatigure.

i find myself desiring more control over my environment. the air i breath, the light i see, the sounds i hear, the security, what i put into my body, the way i feel.

Memo to myself

Things I want to pay other people to do:
- clean
- laundry
- maintenance (fixing things, gardening, auto, etc)

Things worth spending money on for quality:
- audio (music)
- visual
- comfortable bed
- comfortable shoes
- food/drink
- health related things (e.g. dental care)

Things not worth spending lots of money on:

House features:
- central waste disposal
- air filtration
- clean room
- no touch bathroom: auto door, auto water, auto soap, dryer, etc

Happy Spring Break

It's almost 11 PM and I'm sitting in a library. It's spring break, but I'm not going anywhere as usual.

Why?

I can tell myself I'm too busy...I have work to catch up on. The break isn't that long. Even if I wanted to go on a trip I doubt I could find a friend to go with me.

So instead I spend my break in isolation, the main source of human interaction comes through the television screen or the computer.

I want to recount an interesting tale.

I was at a local establishment to watch a basketball game with some people. I showed up late, had a beer. A drunk guy had been harassing my friend all night. He came over once while I was there and muttered some incoherent babble. I conversed with him briefly on a neutral subject, and he made some remark like "Well, I bet if we went out to the parking lot we'd see a parking lot."

At the time that made no sense to me, so I just ignored it. He went away after finishing his beer and slamming down on our table. I was only there for about 30 minutes. We left, the 4 of us and were standing outside the establishment ready to return to our respective cars.

The next few minutes are a bit of a blur.

Somehow, the drunk guy burst out of the door behind me. I turned around, either because he said 'hey' or I just heard the door open. But the next thing I remember was his right fist arcing toward my face.

I reacted by raising my forearms up to defend myself. I blocked his blow...I remember not being sure whether or not the guy was joking...like he might have been trying to give me a high five. Or if he was actually trying to strike me it was a slow, weak blow...which could be the truth because he was so drunk...or it just seemed slow given my reaction to it.

Anyway, I was stunned...I was uninjured but I had no idea immediately afterward that this guy had intended to punch me in the face. One of the people I was watching the game with sprung into action and pushed the guy against the wall...and they started struggling.

Only now did I realize what was going on. I grabbed the drunkard's legs so he would go to the ground. Then we were able to just pin him to the ground.

I wasn't even thinking of what we were going to do...in retrospect I guess I would have tried to hold him down until the police came. But eventually the drunk's friends came out...we got off him and his friends took control of him. And we left.

Seriously though, the most stunning thing about this was the total randomness of the assault. This guy and I had no more than 10 words with each other. In retrospect, his parking lot comment was probably an invitation to rumble, but for what reason I have no idea.

Now I feel even sillier for not reacting to the random assault. Although I defended myself, I didn't even realize I was being attacked until a few seconds later.

If I was really prepared I would have dodged the blow and counter-attacked.

I need to learn some boxing or striking.